Monthly Archives: Aug 2016

Mind Health, Spirituality
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Can’t Shake that Guilty Feeling?

How many actions demonstrated in our physical world are the result of guilt?

Innumerable.

Guilt is acted out every instant of every day. Shame, anger, blame, grudges, belittling, punishment, violence, anxiety, reactivity, and on and on and on. There are many effects of guilt and some of these effects are acted out on others and some are put on the self. If we see where we behave like this in our own lives we may recognize that there is a lot of guilt being thrown around!

So, why do we feel guilty?

A Course in Miracles teaches that it is because we feel that we separated ourselves from the Source of Love. And in so doing, we feel horribly guilty about it.

“What do I have to feel guilty about?” is a common question I hear from my clients, so if this also seems foreign to you and you are genuinely questioning whether this is relevant for you then try this… observe how you feel when a cop car pulls up behind you. You know that your insurance and registration is up to date, you know that you’ve been going the speed limit and have been signaling correctly, so what’s with the guilty feeling and defensiveness? The cop doesn’t even have their sirens on and yet you’re busy making sure all your ducks are in a row. We play out this dynamic in so many ways. Think about whenever someone is upset with you and they let you know as much. The common reaction is to justify your actions and establish your own innocence, even if you did something or not. You’re attempting to disown the guilt. You’re disowning it because it feels absolutely horrible to feel guilty!

Here’s a little about the psychology of guilt…

“What was in our mind on a massive metaphysical level – namely the terrible unconscious guilt we felt over the initial separation from our Source – was denied and projected outward.

A psychologist will tell you that projection always follows denial. That’s because
when you deny something, it has to go somewhere. Now once something is denied, it becomes unconscious… So you forget that you denied it, and then when it’s projected outward, you think the projection you’re looking at is reality. You forget that you made it because it’s been denied! So it’s your projection, but you’re not aware of that. And then the Course teaches that “projection makes perception.” That means that what you’re looking at, but then you forgot, and you take it as reality. You forget that it’s a miscreation of your own making.”

Love Has Forgotten No One, pg. 9-10

This is the guilty ick of the ego. An ever present feeling that peaks and dips throughout the day. Whenever you’re poked by someone or some situation, the unpleasant feeling which follows is a symbol of the guilt that you identify with. This is truly a gross misidentification.

You are not a guilty being deserving of punishment. Quite the opposite! You are perfect love seeking to undo your ego identification!

I will put it simply, whenever you feel guilty, you gotta forgive it! Or else it will just circle back.

Here’s a little more about this guilt dynamic…

“It (forgiveness) also allows the Holy Spirit to heal that which is hidden in the deep canyons of your unconscious mind: the guilt you didn’t know about that goes all the way back to the original idea of being separate from God, which is the so-called original sin that is really the source of your upsets. But then you assign the reason for your upset to be something outside of yourself, because that’s where you projected it. So you think you’re upset because you’re not going to have enough money for your retirement, or because the terrorists are going to blow up your airplane, and you forget that it’s not the projection at all that’s really upsetting you, but its source in the mind.”

Love Has Forgotten No One, pg. 21

Nothing good ever comes from guilt and this is something that we need to be fully cognizant of. The effects of guilt are always projected outwards and as, A Course in Miracles, states, “without projection there can be no anger.” T.7.VIII.1.1 – So, you want to work within your own mind to make sure that you are not acting out to others your own guilt.

One of the ways I prevent myself from doing this is that whenever I’m upset with my perception of the actions of someone else I ask myself, “Can I handle this without making (insert name) feel guilty?” The last thing I ever want to do is highlight the unconscious guilt in someone else and that is avoided by realizing that it is me and my mind that needs to heal my perceived guilt. You can also use this quote from the Course as your guide, “If he senses even the faintest hint of irritation in himself as he responds to anyone, let him instantly realize that he has made an interpretation that is not true. Then let him turn to his eternal Guide, and let Him judge what the response should be.”

A Course in Miracles – Manual for Teachers, 18.4:2-4

In recognizing that you have identified with an unfounded guilt, you can see that you are truly innocent. All the things that you supposedly did wrong were not sins to be punished but mistakes to be corrected. We all make mistakes, forgive it and let it go. Love heals, not punishment, and this is true for everyone.

So let your innocence be your guide. This requires a high level of self-awareness especially when conversing with others but it will win out in the end. Love always prevails.

To help you along your path of letting go of guilt, here is my favourite affirmation from The Course. It is the ultimate correction! Remember that you can switch out terms to suit your taste, the important thing is that you recognize that you made a mistake in your thinking and that you want Love to correct that mistake. Simple.

“Decision cannot be difficult. This is obvious, if you realize that you must already have decided not to be wholly joyous if that is how you feel. Therefore, the first step in the undoing is to recognize that you actively decided wrongly, but can as actively decide otherwise. Be very firm with yourself in this, and keep yourself fully aware that the undoing process, which does not come from you, is nevertheless within you because God placed it there. Your part is merely to return your thinking to the point at which the error was made…

And so, correct it by saying…

I must have decided wrongly, because I am not at peace.
I made the decision myself, but I can also decide otherwise.
I want to decide otherwise, because I want to be at peace.
I do not feel guilty, because the Holy Spirit will undo all the
Consequences of my wrong decision if I will let Him.
I choose to let Him, by allowing Him to decide for God for me.”

A Course in Miracles T5.VII.6:1-11

This is the most POWERFUL affirmation you can ever make! It undoes the guilt in your mind, corrects any negative repercussions from your mistaken thinking and brings your innocence to the forefront of your mind. Rock this out whenever you feel upset! Once you experience the freeing results for yourself, this affirmation will truly become your best friend.

Remember that you are innately innocent and there is a part of your mind that knows this so tap into that loving part of your mind and let it grow strong. You are not the ego nor its convoluted mess of guilt and fear. Let your innocence be your guide. That’s truth.

Love and Peace,
Fiona

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Mind Health
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The Mental Dynamic of Addiction

Addiction, as you all know, is a prevalent issue in our society. The “drug” of choice can be anything from heroine or alcohol to food, sex or anything else used to excess. As addiction is all around us I wanted to offer information with the intention of bringing to light the loving identity of the person that is hidden by the ego dynamic which is addiction.

So, here it is. The mental workings of addiction…

Mind is everything. It is abstract, formless and all encompassing. Mind presents itself through thoughts and ideas and is the cause of everything. The universe, the physical body (including the brain), this world and all of its labels are the effects of the mind.

In regard to addiction there is an initial mistake in the mind of the thinker. A thought that is negative and fear-based. These fear-based thoughts occur all of the time and are even played out physically as you well know. Negative thoughts easily become habit and this is where we have anxiety, depression or even a constant feeling of general malaise amoung many other mental maladies.

To understand addiction it is necessary to take a look at brainwave levels.
There are five main brainwave levels which are the effects of the different levels of the mind, namely the conscious, subconscious and unconscious minds. Let’s begin with the main brainwave I will be sharing about, Beta.

Beta is the home of the conscious mind and is flowing when we are awake. This is the level of the mind we are functioning in when we are judging and perceiving the world around us. The clincher is that the conscious mind is the home of the ego (the host of the fear-based thought system). The ego is not your friend. It is an untrained part of your mind that is super chatty, annoying and sometimes downright frightening! It’s the roommate you don’t want but just can’t seem to get rid of.

Back to the functioning of the conscious mind. When you awake in the morning it’s common to have all of your cares, worries, anxieties and cravings hit the forefront of your mind. This is because your ego is now awake.

As you progress throughout the day you continuously judge your surroundings and the actions of the people around you, including yourself. This causes major agitation, stress and even panic. It’s not a fun place to be if you don’t know how to handle it, and by handle it I mean having a more positive perspective of the world. There are many helpful coping mechanisms to help you through the day like practicing non-judgment of others, forgiveness, and letting go of that which you really have no control of, like past situations or others.

But sometimes we give in to the negativity of the world.

The mind that remains in this negative state will begin to make these negative thoughts a belief system. Fear has become their reality.

So, this is the land of Beta brainwave. Beta is not all bad. It is what is flowing when we are figuring out what to make for dinner or how to solve a math problem. But because its main function is judgment, if you don’t know how to handle Beta, this is where you can get into trouble.

Moving on to brief descriptions of the other brainwave levels…

Gamma is the highest and flows whenever we are happy. Gamma flows through the majority of the brain and can flow simultaneously along with the other brainwave levels which is a unique quality. Alpha is just below Beta and is a lovely place to hang out. It is flowing when we are relaxed, calm, and peaceful. Alpha is the level where we daydream, get into a really great book or movie, meditate or even get into a light level of hypnosis. Theta is a bit deeper and this is the brainwave flowing when we are in REM cycle and dreaming. And finally there is Delta, the deepest of all the brainwave levels. This is where we are in a very deep sleep or even an anesthetized sleep pattern.

So now that we have the brainwave levels covered, what is the significance of this knowledge in regard to addiction?

It is significant because it brings to light what one who is addicted is trying to achieve when they seek so desperately to satisfy a craving.

They, like the rest of us, are just trying to calm down their ego. They are seeking to get out of Beta and into Alpha. And on their quest for peace, for happiness or for a distraction, they got hooked.

No different than the person who needs to meditate before carrying on with their day or the runner seeking a runner’s high, a person addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex or something else is looking for the same physical effect. They just go about it differently.

Does this make them bad? No. Does this make them different? Not even almost.

There is a need for compassion when it comes to the topic of addiction. It is my true hope that through this perspective of equality, where we are all looking for the same thing, a quiet mind, that we can be non-judgmental as a society and exhibit some much needed love. There is a person, a soul, talent and beauty behind the addiction. There is a sibling, a child, a lover and someone’s best friend. Behind those eyes is us.

All of us are really just seeking to get from Beta to Alpha.

Love and Compassion,
Fiona

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Healthy Tips, Mind Health
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Break Time!

IMG_20150517_160635

“Clear the body as you do the mind of those things that have hindered.”
Edgar Cayce

Throughout the day our minds make judgments, analyze, and react. This is a very exhausting dynamic, especially since our minds are meant to be serene (Yes, it’s true!). In fact, it is noted in A Course in Miracles that our continuous judgments are why we become fatigued.

When you awake in the morning, your ego wakes up right along with you! (This is when we are in the conscious level of our mind and Beta brainwave is flowing). The mind race begins and the ego tries incessantly to keep you an active participant. One on top of the other your judgments add up as your day progresses. The result is that the negativity and the agitation from all your judging has been compounded, and you end up feeling exhausted and in a bad mood, ugh!
Trust me when I say that it is this, and only this dynamic which hinders your mind and ultimately your life.

But all this can be avoided! Although we perform physical activities throughout the day, it is ultimately how one feels about their job, their relationships, and deals with negativity which contributes to a chaotic or a peaceful mind and a fatigued or energetic body.

Until we all get to the point where our minds are strong enough to not judge and react to every little thing, we are going to get mentally and therefore physically fatigued. And this is where habit systems come into play.
It’s time to create some new and healthy habits which are essentially coping mechanisms to move past ego moments.

As, Michael Singer, states in the must-read (nudge, nudge, hint, hint, READ IT!) book, The Untethered Soul, “There’s a place deep inside of you where the consciousness touches the energy, and the energy touches the consciousness. That’s where your work is. From that place, you let go. Once you’ve let go, every minute of every day, year after year, then that’s where you’ll live. Nothing will be able to take your seat of consciousness from you. You’ll learn to stay there. After you’ve put years and years into this process, and learned to let go no matter how deep the pain, you will achieve a great state. You will break the ultimate habit: the constant draw of the lower self. You will then be free to explore the nature and source of your true being – Pure Consciousness.” Pg. 67

I love his wisdom and following that excerpt I must say that personally, I don’t believe in bad days. There are tough moments, for sure! And some days have many of these challenging moments! But it is how you take care of yourself during and after each challenge which counts!

This requires self-awareness. When you recognize that you are irritated, take that as your sign, your red flag, to recalibrate your energy. Keep in mind that this requires what you would call “small” irritations, all the way to full blown anger. As, A Course in Miracles, states, “There are no small upsets to the mind. They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind.” Lesson 5 & 6

So, how about some coping mechanisms! There’s a few which you can use sequentially as I present them or take your favourite one and practice that. What you want to make sure that you are doing is to not neglect your peace of mind for any negativity the ego has to offer. Don’t take the bait. And if you do, it’s all good, the recognition that you are upset is always the first step in healing. So be patient with yourself but also don’t be afraid or if I may be so bold, don’t be nonchalant about taking control of your thoughts. Remember, your thoughts either make (fear-based) or create (love-based) your world.

Coping Mechanisms

Shake it Off

Oddly enough, let’s learn from the animals! These highly energetically attuned creatures are masters of present moment mindedness! Eckhart Tolle is even a fan of their wisdom, so here goes… have you ever noticed a dog after it has had an altercation with another dog? They shake! Believe it or not, they are shaking off the bad energy! We have energy all around our physical bodies, so one of the best things one can do after experiencing some sort of negativity is move the body. Begin by giving your shoulders a little shimmy and let that movement travel down your body. However you approach this technique, is your call. But give it a go, you may be surprised. It’s an excellent way to cut the chord of negativity.

Shake it Off Alternative

If you’re not into spontaneous dance moves then simply take a moment to be by yourself. In this moment of solitude change your breathing to include long, deep inhales and exhales. Envision breathing in white light and breathing out the negative vibes. Don’t invest in thought, simply breathe… let it pass.

Self-Forgiveness

Next, take some time to forgive yourself for your judgments or any negativity you may have taken part in. Recognize it as a mistake and that you want to think more positively. Be open to seeing it differently. This is vital because you want to place yourself in the position of having control of your thoughts, your reactions and your perspective of the world. Negative things happen, but you want to place yourself in a role of power and not as a victim. Fear happens. How you react to fear is where your power lies. Forgive yourself for investing in fear and be willing to move forward with an open mind.

A Side Note…

For the ladies, if you’re PMSing, you know that irritations are frequent. But you
also know that this is the result of hormonal fluctuations, so although you may be super crabby in one moment, recognize that it will subside in a bit. Have a piece of chocolate, take some deep breaths and carry on.

When I’m Ms. Sensitive and PMSing, I like to make light of the situation. I declare to my fiancé, “I’m going to be forgiving a lot today!” or I laugh at myself for crying about an emotionally charged commercial. We all know what PMS is, so just be honest with yourself that you have to be a little more gentle with yourself and have a few more deep breathing sessions.

Now, when you’ve gotten home after a long day of combatting the ego, you have the opportunity to relish in what you love in your sanctuary. Watch something funny, make a great meal, meditate, snuggle with those you love or have a great workout. But do what makes YOU happy! Give yourself permission to smile. All of this positivity and nurturement is feeding the love within you!

Remember that the ego wants to make us feel obligated to be serious about negativity so it is up to the thinker (you!), to release yourself from that needless obligation. Commit to your own happiness and peace and you will see the results! You will be creating some amazing habits and be demonstrating some beautiful coping mechanisms to those you love.

You have the right to take care of yourself and taking care of your mental health is always the first step! Give yourself more frequent mental breaks, reorient and balance your energy. It’s better than letting negativity accumulate.

That which caters to the love that you are, like humour, happiness and peace is worth everything. Feed that.

Love and Healthy Habits,
Fiona

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Healthy Tips, Mind Health, Spirituality
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Presence in the Present

Present

“(Give) less attention to the dead past and the yet unborn future.”
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, Page 126

Now is all there is. Honestly, who could argue with that?

But, the complex ego loves to dabble in the regrets of the past and make up fears for the future thus leaving us out of the beauty of the present moment. This is a total misuse of our incredible mental potential. Just imagine the alternative… what if you were able to put all of your attention fully on the present moment?

It requires mind training to stay in the moment. Even if you’re sitting, leaning up against a palm tree on your vacation, you are not going to fully enjoy that moment because you have not trained yourself to have a relaxed and focused mind. You’re stuck in everywhere but the only moment that actually exists, the present. You’ve deceived yourself.

So, why is it hard to accept the eternal now?

Well, our ego minds aren’t used to it. Remember that one of the functions of the ego is to keep us looking outside of ourselves so we don’t recognize the Source of Love within.

The ego mind is conniving and wants to keep you distracted. So, what you’re working up against is the part of your mind that loves to shift its focus from this to that and back again. To overcome this requires what is called, mind training.

As A Course in Miracles would say, “you are much too tolerant of mind wandering and are passively condoning your mind’s miscreations.” T.2.VI.4:6

Essentially, we are constantly giving ourselves permission to let our minds wander. This is where trouble begins for this is where we accept nonsensical thoughts as sense.

If you take a moment for some self-reflection you can see that your thoughts aimlessly transfer from topic to topic. Like mentioned earlier, this is a huge waste of mental potential.

The benefits of focusing fully on the present moment are many and include having no anxiety, no cares, and no worries. In the eternal now there is a deep feeling of trust that whatever comes and flows through life is meant to be. But one of the most desirable effects of being completely in the present moment is that you are non-reactive. Why is this so important? Because the more you react to the ego and its stuff, the more you are making the negativity real in your own mind.

So, with all of these benefits in mind, how does one begin to accept the present moment?

As usual, through practice!

Remember, you have been training your mind to think with the ego for ages, and now it is time to make the switch. This will take practice, commitment and vigilance. But as, Gary Renard, (popular Spiritual author) states, “It will take vigilance for you to change your mind, but that vigilance is the only thing that will lead you to happiness. There’s nothing in this world that will do it.”

So, the Action Steps for staying in the moment!

Practice Opening Up

Open up your senses to observe and feel everything around you. Be aware of but also experience everything. Like the wind breezing by, the heat of the sun hitting only certain parts of your body, the colours of the trees, and so on. If your mind wanders, don’t judge, just simply bring your attention back to the now. This is easily achieved by bringing your attention to that which surrounds you.

Find Your Anchor

Personally I like to listen to my dog breathing (or snoring which is most often the case), as this helps to bring my focus to the present moment. Watching him, I notice his body move with his breath and appreciate how all animals are always successfully in the moment. If he is not around, I use the movement of my own breath to center me in the now.

I invite you to figure out what helps to bring you into the present moment. In life coaching we would call this an “anchor”. What is your anchor to the present moment?

Trust

This is a big one! In regard to the past, trust that you did the best you could at the time with the knowledge and resources you had. Being aware of this helps you to release regret about past actions which helps you also to relax into the present moment. If your regret involves something that you truly aren’t proud of, give yourself a break and realize that you were calling out for love at the time, in your own way. We all make mistakes, the important reaction to those mistakes is the desire to heal from them. So, forgive yourself, learn from the lesson and move on. Evolution is natural, let yourself learn and evolve.

“A duck doesn’t look behind itself. It’s hard for a duck to do that, so it usually doesn’t bother. It just sees what’s right in front of its face and ignores what’s behind it. All that matters is what’s up right now. There’s no thinking about the past.” Love Has Forgotten No One, pg. 4

Forgive, Forgive, Forgive

“Forgive the past and let it go, for it is gone.”
A Course in Miracles, T.26.V.14:1

In one of my fave books, Love Has Forgotten No One, by Gary Renard, it is stated “Any attempt to remain in the present moment will fail unless certain work is done by the student. That’s because there is something in the mind that prevents you from staying in the present moment. Most spiritualities don’t even know about it, much less teach you how to have it healed.” (Page 4)

As mentioned in the section of Trust, if you are so preoccupied with the past, you will have a hell of a time staying present. We ask ourselves, “How can I change that? Fix it? Make it right?” You can do these things but it may not look like how you think. The change, the fix, it happens in your mind.

Enter the True Forgiveness process…

“The kind of forgiveness we’re talking about, which undoes your ego, will allow you to stay in the condition of the endless present. The past and future will be forgiven. And as the Course says, ‘…if it is forgiven, it is gone.’
Love Has Forgotten No One by Gary Renard – Page 6 / A Course in Miracles, Lesson 289

Through your forgiveness you are mentally releasing yourself from the grip of the negative past situation. Slowly but surely, every time you forgive, you are indeed being healed. What also happens through your forgiveness is that you also release your future. If you are not upset about the negative past situation and you are being healed of it, then you will be less anxious and afraid about repeating that mistake in the future.

Forgiveness is truly a beautiful thing. Practice it so that it becomes your reaction to any fearful thought or event. Set your mind free.

The power in the present moment psychology is expressed by many spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle, Michael Singer, Napoleon Hill, Gary Renard and so many more. They all understand/understood that in order to experience your mind’s true potential you have to eliminate distractions. Whether you are looking to focus on some amazing career goals, harness your creativity or have genuine peace, embracing the present moment will be vital to your success.

Remember that the mind is incredibly powerful! If you train it to be calm and focused then all of your creative mental energy is going to go towards that which you really want. Imagine putting all your power into that which truly means something to you as opposed to the nonsense the ego wants to distract you with?
The choice, as always, is yours.

Love and Presence,
Fiona

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Healthy Tips, Mind Health
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Healthy Communication

As a continuation of last week’s blog topic on non-judgment, I wanted to give some tidbits on how to deal with challenging people (the ego in others). My Erickson Life Coaching training had a really strong focus on communication and I really enjoyed learning all about it. Today, healthy communication is one of my values.

A Course in Miracles says that relationships are our biggest teachers! Why? Well, as you’ve read in some of my other blogs, we are all connected. Our relationships with others are reflections of our own inner workings.

“As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself. Never forget this for in him you will find yourself, or lose yourself.”
A Course in Miracles – T.8.III.4.2-5

The first thing to recognize when dealing with someone who is angry or upset is whether or not you have to engage. Ask yourself, “Why do I feel compelled to engage with this person?”

Are you trying to make the other person wrong? If so, why? Do you really think this makes you feel better? When in fact it just makes your ego stronger.

Remember that the ego speaks for the sake of speaking. It is always your ego that is going to want to speak first, speak loudest and speak last. The only thing the ego wants to hear from another person is something that attacks you and furthers the argument. It’s just ego talking to ego, guilt speaking to guilt. So, even though you want to embrace a peaceful attitude that may not always be the case for the other party. The ego loves controversy and to keep the negativity going, for, as A Course in Miracles (ACIM), states, “those who seek controversy, will find it.”Clarification of Terms, Intro
There’s really nothing you can do to change another person. You can only control your own reactions. ACIM also states very clearly that you cannot change the mind of another. It would be futile to even try.

Perhaps this is one of the most frustrating parts of human relationships? The desire or the ego obligation that we have to be right and make people think the same way we do.

So you want to be mindful of where you personally are coming from. Is it your ego that wants to hash this out or your Spirit that wants the situation to heal?

“Would you rather be right or happy?”
A Course in Miracles – T.29.VII.1.9

Most importantly, don’t worry about what others think! There are over 7 billion people in this world, it would be impractical to think that you will please and jive with every single one of them. A truly spiritual attitude would be that instead of exhausting your energy by trying to jive with someone that you simply don’t jive with, just don’t make anyone an enemy. This is more practical.
So, in order to not make anyone an enemy, you have to relinquish your judgment of them. If you judge others than you have to take the time and exhaust your energy to justify your reasons for judging them in the first place. Where you could instead surrender to your inner wisdom that non-judgment is the answer you’re looking for.

Remember that judging only further perpetuates negativity. When you are lovingly confident in yourself, you will have no interest in judging others and you will also have less tolerance for negativity.

Tips for Healthy Communication

As we are in the world of duality, challenging times and people are going to arise. So, how are we going to deal with it?

When I have a tricky situation to deal with I always take the time for reflection before doing so. I recommend getting in touch with yourself and get to the core of how you’re feeling. What’s come up for you? Is this old stuff coming up again? Self-reflection will help you to recognize the patterns which need to be healed. These patterns won’t go away until they are fully forgiven.

Next ask yourself, “If it were a year from now, how would I want to say I handled this situation?” Upon envisioning yourself in the future you are dissociating from the negative emotion you are feeling at the time and you are placing yourself mentally in a position where you can observe the situation from a neutral perspective. From this place of neutrality you can see what you are really trying to communicate to the other person. When I ask myself this question my answer is always, “lovingly and elegantly.”

Now that you’re on board with your own feelings and intentions it’s time for healthy communication. Some things to keep in mind…

The Approach

When you approach someone, visualize them as a mirror. How would you want to be treated? How would you want to be spoken to? Would you expect compassion from another? In a very real way, you are in fact speaking to yourself when you speak to others. Remember that your unconscious mind cannot dissociate yourself from others, it sees only one of us.

Lose the Guilt

A vital aspect to healthy communication is to speak without projecting any guilt onto the other person. This requires extreme mindfulness! But if you remain confident in the love that you are, and that you are only correcting misinformation, then there is no reason for negativity, blame games and guilt trips.

Confidence in Yourself

Remember, you cannot control other people’s reactions!! If they react defensively, that’s their stuff, not yours! Your “stuff” is reflected in how you choose to react to them. Their judgments (like your judgments) do not mean anything. If you are confident in yourself and who you are then you have no need to be defensive. Their opinion of you does not sway your opinion of yourself or your opinion of them. Be vigilant for the truth. Express only a desire to heal or rectify the situation and remain firm on that stance.

Don’t be a Safe Place for Negativity!

This would include yelling, name calling or any other demeaning behaviour. If the other party begins to engage in this, kindly and calmly say to them, “I see that you are upset, but I am not going to discuss this while you are raising your voice or calling me or others names. Go take some space and come back when you are ready to continue this conversation in a relaxed manner.” Again, remain firm on this. Eventually people will see that they cannot yell at your or call you names. This is very loving for everyone involved. You are demonstrating healthy and effective communication and you are helping the other person be the best that they can be by accepting only the best in them. SET THE LOVING TONE!

Remain Solution-Focused

The ego is going to want to delve into those details which are totally irrelevant. This is commonly referred to as the paralysis of analysis. Keep the other person on track and remain solution-focused!

Be crystal clear with the information you’re presenting. State your points, repeat them if necessary. Also, if there are many details involved that you want to be clear then type them out so they are in black and white. The ego loves to twist things so you want to be clear and helpful in the information you are correcting or presenting. If the other person is the type to skew things, then invite them to simply refer back to the list if they ever get confused. Just because their ego wants to play, doesn’t mean you have to play along.

Be compassionate.

Keep an open mind. Remember, do not judge. You really don’t know everything about the other person. You don’t know their pain bodies, all of their triggers or their model of the world. So don’t pretend that you do. This is why it is important to remain clear that you will only stand for respectful, neutral, clear conversation. It is compassionate to do so and you won’t end up offending the other by unintentionally poking one of their pain bodies. If you don’t agree with one of their points, simply acknowledge their point by saying “I hear you saying that. I hear that that is a concern for you.” Simple language which shows that you don’t condone but do hear them. Be kind.

Let Yourself Be Surprised

The ego loves to throw the past in people’s faces. How can we evolve as people and as a society if we keeping dangling the past in front of people like meat in front of a dog? You don’t actually know Spirit’s plan for healing, all you have to do is welcome that healing. Leave yours and the other person’s past actions out of the present moment. Remember, healing is natural, so you want to allow it to occur. Even after the conversation you have with the individual, continue to invite healing when you think of them. Let yourself be surprised.

To help you practice a loving perspective, here is one of my favourite mental exercises! Enjoy!

The “I love you” Exercise

When I worked for an oil company in downtown Calgary years ago, I would take the bus and train to and from work. That’s a lot of time where I was face to face with people I didn’t know. Typically I would read but then one day, at a time where I had really started delving into spiritual literature, an idea popped in my head, “What if I imagined telling all of these people that I love them?” And so I did (in my head).

One by one I imagined hugging the people around me and telling them that I love them. It was such a powerful exercise! Especially after a long day of work where the ego could take its chance to play with my tired mind, I instead chose to do something meaningful with my time and my thoughts.

The results were amazing! I felt calmer when I got home. I felt like I could trust the inherent goodness in myself and others. But most importantly, I felt like I truly did have a choice between investing in love or fear. I felt like I wasn’t a victim but a creator. What resulted was me recognizing how responsible I was for my own experience in this world. Like I said, it was powerful.

To this day, when I am on the train or in a line-up at the grocery store or even at the airport, I practice my “I love you” exercise.

I encourage you to try it out for yourself and exercise your love muscles!

Love and Peaceful Communication,
Fiona

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