I took space from a toxic relationship... this is what I learned.

It has been a long journey to get to where I am today in my relationship with my Mom. This blog post is not to vent my issues and come across negative, but do keep in mind this blog post is about healing in one of our greatest classrooms – relationships! And so I will highlight the challenges and not detail the cozy, loving times which were plentiful as I grew up. This is an honest blog post about a toxic parent/child relationship, and most importantly, how you can bring a Right-Minded perspective to toxic relationships.

In my script, the good times with my family have been great, and the bad times were not just bad, they were rough! Calm moments were not really something I knew until literally this past Spring as my nervous system began to relax from PTSD, and my husband and I acclimated to our new surroundings in Vancouver, British Columbia.

Here is a taste of my classroom and I genuinely hope what I have learned acknowledges you, comforts you, and supports you. For some of the points I share, I have segmented them into two parts: “The physical world version” AND “The ACIM Correction.” This way you get an example of how the experience felt from a daily life experience as well as how the wisdom of A Course in Miracles can correct such challenges.

Today there is a healthy and relaxed relationship between my Mom and myself. We communicate mostly via text messages and every few months via zoom along with my Dad. Honestly, this is how I presently prefer it because my forgiveness work over our history is still a daily necessity. Yet it is of course lovely and heart-warming to have pleasant texts and chats every now and then - they remind me of the many good times we have had and give me hope for a more peaceful future.

We are taught in A Course in Miracles that it is important to train our mind to focus on the love in others. Sometimes we need a little help remembering the goodness in our relationships but what I will immediately highlight is this; INSTEAD of forcing our focus upon the good times by repressing the painful memories (because we want to be "good" children), we need to bring those painful memories to the light for correction and healing with the help of our Higher Self known in the Course as the Holy Spirit. I will be elaborating on this point later.

So, today things are immensely better with my Mom than what they have been. Were things always challenging between us? Yes. The challenges heightened and lessened at certain intervals of life which is how things go in this world.

A quick bit of history… my parents were brought up in a warzone in Belfast, Northern Ireland. In the late 70’s they immigrated to Canada with my twin sisters in tow and began life anew. They may have changed countries but the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which was a result of being exposed to the atrocities of civil war left their mark. As we know from the teachings of the Course, trauma does not leave your mind just because you switch locations on the planet. Only True Forgiveness can heal your mind in a way that has any real effect, and thankfully the Course outlines this process for us so we know exactly what to do!

Please note that I have great respect for what my parents have been through. My deep compassion for what their challenging history has been is the main reason why I “sucked up” the emotional abuse from my Mom and, as you will learn, this is not a healthy nor sustainable strategy for a long-term relationship of any kind. The stories of what my parents went through are horrifying and I can’t even pretend to know or judge the challenges they have been through. All I know is what I have experienced, and as it goes for us all, it is through looking at our own perceptions where we can begin the healing process. We cannot change other people’s minds.

As a result of my mother’s trauma, I was held quite tightly as a child. Being her youngest of five children, my Mom has said that she wanted to do everything right with me. Yet, “wanting to do EVERYTHING right” which is also known as “ego control” does not work in the long run. Instead of feeling safe and empowered as I grew up, I was given the impossible task of living up to someone else’s standards.

At the age of 41, it came to me that the bad times really fell into one (or all) of three categories which I now refer to as the “3 D’s”. The “3 D’s” are ways my mother perceived me and are namely;

1. That I was Damaged;
2. That I was Disappointing;
3. That at any moment, and for any reason, I was going to Die.

The “3 D’s” are of course projections from my mother’s psyche onto me. And for most of my life I did not know that I didn’t have to accept them and personalize them. Looking back, I realize how often I defended myself against her projections as I am inherently optimistic and just couldn’t accept what she would tell me about myself. But, that doesn’t mean her comments still didn’t hurt. They deeply, deeply hurt and I spent most of my life thinking I couldn’t do anything right.

My defense against the “3 D’s” was exhausting. I found myself leaving almost every single conversation with her feeling not quite right about something she said about me. And I would often call her not long after and try to remedy her misperception of me. This was the pattern for most of my adult life and I’m beyond grateful to be out of it!

It was my own experience with Caregiver’s PTSD which highlighted just how exhausting being in an emotionally abusive relationship is to try and maintain. The tension was growing and something had to break.

I was personally of the mind that I just wanted to take the relationship itself and burn it to the ground. “Let it crumble!” I would think to myself. For only then could something new spring forth. As we are also taught in the Course, unless forgiveness is done in a relationship, any roots of unforgiveness still have room to grow.

The final match between my mother came up over the most benign of topics; picking up my new step-granddaughter’s baby gift. When I showed up to pick up the gift I was met with my mother’s look of disappointment and seething anger. She was increasingly upset that I had been going through PTSD and had to take space from family events as my nervous system was too out of whack to handle large events. Nothing personal to my family members but big crowds are challenging for someone who is going through hypervigilance. The “D” of disappointment was thrown at me for four of the five years I went through PTSD and I could not take it anymore. “Why are you so angry at me?!” I desperately cried out to her on this occasion. My husband immediately came to grab me and pulled me away from the door and once again I was leaving my family home shaking, immensely frustrated and in tears.

Looking at my trembling hands with the familiar tears running down my face, I knew it was time to let go.

Instead of staying and trying to make it work from my current perception and my mother’s current perception, I decided to take space from my mother. More specifically, I took space from the toxic dynamic I had with my mother.

My Mom and I needed to breathe and this ensuing battle over her frustration with my PTSD experience was to me both cruel and grossly inappropriate. And my defensiveness was becoming extreme.

The first Right-Minded step I took was to invite the Holy Spirit in! Where there is a clear physical space, there is also a mental space you can fill in with the Holy Spirit’s love and wisdom.

I knew when I took space from my Mom that I would be batting away the hornets from a fallen nest. But, I didn’t care because in my heart I knew I was doing what was best for my mother and myself.

I took strict no-contact space from my mother for a year and a half. Here is what I learned…

You are not taking space from the love in the other, but from the unhealthy ego dynamic you have with them.

Taking space in a relationship can unconsciously remind you of thinking you chose to separate from God, and the result can be an amplified feeling of guilt. It is important to remember that the ego is really just another name for separation as it is itself the mistaken idea you think you left God. So, you want to be mindful of any guilt you feel if taking space is a decision you make. Remember where this guilt is actually coming from and remember that you do NOT need to use this guilt as your guide.  

Here are some words to help you should you feel intuitively guided to take space in a relationship yet are feeling guilty about the notion… you, as formless Spirit, are always perfectly connected with the other, so don’t think you are separated. You are not separating from the love in the other, you are seeking to heal a toxic dynamic. Acknowledge that you can’t fight all the ego battles and hope to find peace. Sometimes stepping away or setting up healthy boundaries is helpful so that you do not feed the ego battles and you can instead aim towards the peace beyond the ego battleground.

I found in my relationship with my Mom was that I was constantly recovering from ego battles. I would cry, feel anger, try my best to forgive, have nightmares, try to reconcile with the ego by making excuses for the emotional abuse, and then repeat the pattern. I was grateful that I had a well-established habit of applying True Forgiveness by this point in my life but I still felt anger, sadness and frustration pretty intensely and my recovery time from ego battles was taking up A LOT of my daily life.

I forgave purely because I knew this insanity had to be healed and I trusted that True Forgiveness was the way to cut through the insanity. It is important to note that upon our forgiveness that we follow our intuitive guidance, and for me that came in the form of the idea that I had to let my Mom and I both breathe from the conflict. The intuitive guidance will look different for everyone so be sure to go within and do what genuinely feels right for you.

The ego’s agenda of separation is reinforced through conflict, so the ego will not be a fan of you walking away from conflict in the interest of peace, it will therefore suggest many reasons why you should stay and battle things out to whatever degree. If you choose the path of peace then recognize that by not perpetuating the toxicity in a relationship, you are actually being loving because you are choosing not to engage in any ego nonsense. Instead, you are choosing to go beyond seeing the ego and choosing for peace. This is a true gift.

People are going to flare-up. It’s not your shit.

The physical world version…

When I decided to change the dynamic of my relationship with my Mom, I knew there would be a backlash in some regard. It was the fear of the backlash which had prevented me from taking space earlier. In fact, there was a time in 2015 when I did take space for a week and I found during that week I had never felt so peaceful. I often would look back on that week as a sign that there was something really wrong in my relationship with my Mom if the only time I had ever really felt peaceful was when I took that space. It was both sobering and saddening to realize this especially because there were so many good times between us where we genuinely had fun together.

The support I had wanted from my family through this time was initially there but then became sparse as people grew tired of things being different. What began as compassion from others quickly grew into pressure to just fix things. A few family members were pretty feisty as time went on. 

The ACIM Correction…

I had to realize that no matter what I did; if I stayed and struggled or left and found peace that someone would always flare up about whatever choice I made. That’s the ego’s way for as we are taught in the Course, those who seek controversy will find it. Yet, those who seek peace will find that as well. So, it was up to me to be vigilant for the Truth and for peace in the face of the ego’s need for controversy. Note that this vigilance was done always in my mind and sometimes I expressed my vigilance for peace if someone tried to pressure me to cave and go back into the chaos.

The fact is, we cannot change people’s minds for them; all we can do is demonstrate. So, in the face of criticism you can demonstrate love. Your love does not need to shift just because of how someone is reacting. Keeping in mind that love is not rolling over, love is seeing beyond the ego façade to the Truth in someone and being mindful of how you think about them and treat them.

As unpleasant as emotional flare-ups can be to witness and experience, they are actually easier than staying in a toxic relationship. Let the ego shriek in its madness; it’s not you and it’s not really them either.

There is a difference in giving to another for the purposes of appeasement and giving to another for the purposes of being kind.

The physical world version…

With my Mom, I found myself always ready to offer her something in an effort to alleviate any potential conflict. I honestly felt more comfortable showing up at my parent’s home knowing I would have something to give her or something to do to help them out. For decades I thought I was being kind and showing my mother love but now I know that I was “fawning” and giving her something to help change her mood and make sure she would be nice to me. This did neither one of us any favours and nurtured an unhealthy imbalance in our relationship.   

The ACIM Correction

There is a teaching in the Course which is also a law of the mind; that to give and to receive are the same. This is because we are all One, and as we give to others we are therefore giving to ourselves. When I was giving from a place of fear, I was reinforcing fear in the relationship and reinforcing fear in my mind. And from there my fearful behaviour continued.

An ideal approach would have been for me to forgive myself for feeling like I had to appease my Mom and then go over and visit with her. Yet, I always chose to cover up my angst and appease. I reckon she doesn’t even know I did this.

Be mindful if you are giving to another out of appeasement or from a place of genuine love because the thought system you choose to think with (the ego’s or the Holy Spirit’s) is what you will reinforce.

I am not a garbage bin for other people’s emotions.

Ultimately we want to get to the point where we are completely unaffected by other people’s opinions and behaviours. This is known in the Course as True Denial where you recognize that anything not of God cannot affect you. To be wholly unaffected by others is an advanced mental state. To get to this place of mental strength, a good chunk of ego content in your mind must be undone as it is only your belief in the ego which is why you ever feel defensive and hurt by what others say and do.

Yet, until we all get to this advanced state we’re going to by touchy, defensive and take things personally to some extent. And while we mistakenly believe we are the ego, we can take steps to ensure we don’t accept continued attack by others, and we can also practice not taking other people’s attacks on us as a comment on our worth. You may not always be able to control when someone flares up at you but you can set healthy tones in your relationships as you are not a punching bag nor are you a garbage bin for other people’s emotions.  

Essentially, you want to be prepared to forgive no matter what, BUT that is easier to do when you are not recovering from emotional upset after emotional upset. While you’ve got some ego content in your mind, you are going to find yourself reacting to the ego’s nonsense as if it were true. So, be gentle with yourself as you look at your reactions and begin to incorporate True Forgiveness into your daily life. I’ve personally found that my daily True Forgiveness work has helped me be less reactive and stronger in Right-Mindedness!

When I needed to set a healthier tone in my relationship with my Mom, I wrote her an email highlighting the five behaviours she has repeated throughout my life which I would no longer be fostering in our relationship. I was sure NOT to call these behaviours “abuse” as that is a strong word that I know would have sent my Mom into further decline, and so I was sure to instead call them "unwelcome behaviours which showed up as a result of her unresolved trauma."

In the email I let her know that if I noticed one of these behaviours pop up then should could expect me to gently call-out of the behaviour and that I would end the phone call or visit to allow her room to calm down, reorient and communicate with me only when she was prepared to be healthy. Thankfully, none of the abusive behaviours have shown up again so far, and I can see her efforts to be careful. Her care in this is something I am deeply grateful for and which has allowed us to have a healthier relationship as I feel safer with her.

It is important to note that we cannot control all the things in our life, least of all how others treat us. But, you can always control how you think about things. AND, nowhere is it written that you have to accept abuse in order to become enlightened. Abuse in a relationship is a red flag that things need to heal, not that you need to perpetuate the conflict.

Wanting someone else’s pride is an ego trap.

The physical world version…

In our relationships with others, especially parent/child relationships, we may find ourselves wanting to impress our parents or have their pride in us. Wanting their pride keeps us at the level of the effect where we are dependent upon other people for our happiness and peace. This is not freedom. It is also not sustainable.

As I was healing my relationship with my Mom, I really came to see that her pride in something I did felt like an unhealthy attachment. It felt like I was giving her the power of validating the things I felt guided to create. What I actually wanted from her instead of her pride was emotional safety to be myself without judgement. If I relied upon gaining her pride then I would also set myself up to be met with its opposite; her disappointment.

The ACIM Correction…

Throughout His Course, Jesus is sure to empower us by reminding us that we are the decision makers in our lives and that our relationships with other people are classrooms, not prisons. When we acknowledge we are the decision makers in our lives we acknowledge that we are at the level of cause and not effect. Yes, people can enjoy the things we create and we can share in the joy of that, BUT, you don’t want to be dependent on what others think for your happiness.

As the Child of God, we are inherently free. To be dependent upon others for validation of any kind is not freedom. You, as a Child of God, are free to follow your intuition and share your gifts as you feel. And you will feel all the better about what you create when you listen to the Holy Spirit.

We are taught in the Course that it is the love which inspires our creations which truly matters, not other people’s opinions. Practice tuning into the love of your creations and that will be enough.

The love I give will not always be received.

The physical world version…

A particularly hurtful part of a toxic relationship is watching your love be rejected by the other person. At a worldly level, other people’s rejection of our loving intentions can feel like a shot to the heart. I recall a time when my Mom scoffed at me when I once told her that I loved her, she then told me to get a grip. Although I was in my twenties when that happened, I remember feeling like a wounded little girl tossed aside by the one who was supposed to love me. It was painful and I am still doing my True Forgiveness work on this particularly challenging memory.

The ACIM correction…

As hard as it may be when people misunderstand, distort or reject your loving intentions, it is helpful to acknowledge that they are rejecting your love because of their own unconscious guilt in their mind. It’s not actually about you. The unconscious guilt in our minds leads us to feel unworthy of other people’s love and the Love of God. And so, the love gets rejected or misinterpreted. This is why people are quick to dismiss love being the answer to all things! They unconsciously believe they threw love away by trying to separate from God and so now they feel unworthy of it and somehow it feels safer for them to turn a blind eye to love.

Yet, there is a wonderful teaching in the Course which may help should you encounter this or have a memory of this happening to you which is this; the love you give others can never be extinguished, it is actually held for them by the Holy Spirit until they are ready to receive.

Love can never be wasted as it extends into eternity. Yes, we can all try and close our eyes to love, but that does not get rid of the love, it only clouds it from our awareness.

The love I give others had to be given to myself.

One of the greatest gifts of taking space from a toxic relationship was I got the opportunity to see where I was ignoring my own needs so I could avoid conflict. I realized that loving myself and setting healthy boundaries while I allowed my nervous system to calm down was a demonstration of good self-care. Instead of always doing things for the comfort of others, I was grateful that I could do the only thing which was really within my own power – take care of my overall health and let things flow from there.

When you welcome the Holy Spirit to guide you, you will find that your own importance is highlighted. You are just as important as anyone else and deserve your own love and care!

As I stopped appeasing others for my own comfort, I learned what real comfort actually is. Although I have always taken care of myself in many ways like eating well, exercising and following my dreams, there were many areas I ignored my own comfort and over-extended myself. So, I began simply by incorporating more of what I like to do, and I also started doing things I had always wanted to do! I visited new restaurants and took on more creative projects which had nothing to do with my ACIM work. I also decided one day to buy myself a pair of ridiculously fluffy slippers for the first time in my life! My dogs love playing with these slippers.

Along with doing more of the things I love to do, I also made it a priority to nurture my inner peace. While going through PTSD and the hardships of my relationship with my Mom, I saw the damage I was doing to myself by ignoring my own comfort yet insuring others had what they needed. That was not love and I certainly don’t think I was demonstrating anything healthy when I did such things.

When you do things with the Holy Spirit, you will always be loving. That you can trust. Get comfortable taking care of yourself. You are a Child of God as well, and you deserve to align with the love which you truly are in every area of your life, including the relationship you have with yourself.

The memories of the good times are important.

The good memories you have from your relationships are reflections of the love which you and the other person truly are. These loving memories are therefore no small thing as they are a reminder of the Truth in us all.

In lesson 288 of the Course, Jesus invites us to release others from their past by stating; “Let me forget my brother’s past today.” It is only by releasing the painful memories riddled with disappointments, expectations, punishments, and resentments that we can truly begin to feel peaceful at a deeper level. As we forgive the painful memories (when we feel ready to!) then the loving memories have more room to come to our awareness.

The loving memories you have can comfort you. What I will point out though is that you will not always want to reflect upon the loving memories as there will be moments when you feel hurt and upset as you heal from a challenging relationship. Instead of forcing loving memories, we can instead welcome them by saying; “Holy Spirit, please Judge this person for me and see the Truth in them.” As you turn to the Holy Spirit in seeing others (and yourself) correctly, you can sit back and let the loving memories flow. They will come to your awareness under the guidance of your Higher Self.

It is important to acknowledge that we will not remember God while we bind one of God’s Children in the “laws” of chaos we made. Meaning, we cannot know God while we see another as guilty. To see others as they truly are is important and although you may not always be willing to do so, your resistance to seeing them truly is a good place to start and ask the Holy Spirit for help. This is not about pushing down the pain, it’s about releasing the pain through True Forgiveness thus letting our shared True Identity as the innocent Child of God come to our awareness.

Remember also that in the Course you are asked to love the love in them, not the ego. The ego is unlovable as it is the antithesis of love. So, don’t worry about trying to reconcile with the ego and try to make it somewhat acceptable because it isn’t. It’s illusory and as you integrate True Forgiveness into your life you will come to recognize that the ego itself is absolutely nothing and completely meaningless.

There are things to accept instead of try and change.

In June of this year I reached out to my parents and said; “Let’s forget the past and move forward. I want a normal life.” I know there really is no such thing as “normal” but what I really meant was I wanted to move forward without the trauma of the past. What prompted me to say this was that I knew my Mom had experienced a healthy shift in perception which was a green light to me that she was making headway out of her own traumatic past and that helped me feel safe in our relationship. My invitation to move forward was gladly accepted by the both of them and we began anew.

As the three of us move forward there are still things which pop up which I admittedly have judged as being toxic (but not abusive) behaviour. What I have learned though is I have to release these types of judgements and accept that my Mom has her perception of things which I will not always agree with. To hold her perception against her limits both my Mom and myself to the confines of the past.

The major lesson here is there are things we have to accept and know we cannot change. None of us have a perfectly agreeable personality which everyone will be a fan of. If you want to move forward, you have to accept that others are on their journey and they are going to have their perceptions which differ from yours. A differing opinion does not need to be an opportunity for conflict as the ego would be quick to suggest. A differing opinion can actually not matter at all. If someone sees things differently, that’s fine, it doesn’t alter their True Identity as a Child of Source. It is through acceptance that not everyone is going to think or behave as we want them to where we can come to find peace in our relationships. Our true power comes from not letting their opinion or behaviour affect our seeing beyond the ego in them to the Truth!

Vigilance, vigilance, vigilance!

There is a teaching in A Course in Miracles which guides us to be vigilant only for God and Its Kingdom. What this teaching is sharing is it requires vigilance to choose the peace of God over the chaos of the ego. If you are in the midst of taking space from someone or seeking to heal a challenging relationship, know that this will require your vigilance. This is because the dynamics of a relationship are mostly habit-based and can be quite engrained. Specifically, dynamics are your perception in action, and uphold your beliefs in how you think things are or should be. In a relationship, you are working with both your perception and the other person’s perception, and so, when you go to change a dynamic, you are introducing a change the other person may not be ready for because they have their own perception. Perceptions are strong as they are literally HOW we see!

As an example, do you ever find that with certain people or a particular person you can’t do anything right? This is not because of you, it is because of how they perceive you. This doesn’t make you a victim of them, it simply highlights how they perceive you. Their perception of you may never change but real freedom is not caring what someone else’s ego thinks of you. Remember, we want to focus on the Truth beyond the ego’s veil.  

Vigilance for the Truth is a practice. In the face of adversity, your vigilance will be required. Do note that if you are in the position of working on healing a challenging relationship then do recognize that if other people’s unconscious guilt gets triggered and they begin reacting negatively, this is not your fault. It is also not your responsibility to cross your own boundaries and fall back into a toxic dynamic just to appease others.

The ego will find controversy in everything if you let it, but you do not need to fall for this tactic. Remember, the ego upholds separation mainly through conflict and if you continue to participate in conflict, you are polluting your own psyche and will continue to experience conflict and its toxic effects. And as we are taught in the Course, we can be just as vigilant for peace as we are for the ego.

This came up for healing and for no other reason.

The sheer insanity that became my mother and I’s relationship was a wake-up call like no other. “How can people possibly live this way?” I would wonder to myself. In fact, I was keenly aware that this level of conflict was not living at all – it was straight up fear in action.

It was with this realization I became relieved by remembering what the Course teaches us; that there is a choice in how we think about things. In fact, it is how we think which dictates how we experience things. If I was going to go through this, then I was going to use it for the purposes of healing! So, I gave the whole relationship with my Mom the intention of healing because that is the only sane reason it has shown up. And this is what we are taught in the Course of how the Holy Spirit sees things, as for our healing.

When you give your trials, even your most conflicted relationships, the intention of healing, then healing will be the result. Remember that conflict is only perpetuated through our continued focus and investment upon it. Conflict, which is an aspect of the ego, cannot survive without our belief in it, just like the ego cannot survive without our belief in it. And so, with the help of our Higher Self, the Holy Spirit, we are asking to see things without the ego and its agenda of conflict. Through doing so, your perception of the conflict changes and you begin to experience things differently.

What I noticed when I gave my relationship with my Mom the intention of healing was that I became more resilient and also increasingly vigilant for peace. This fresh intention helped me to release other people’s criticisms about taking space from my Mom because I knew they just didn’t understand. And they didn’t have to understand in order for me to feel peaceful. My loving intention for healing also helped me feel saner and therefore stronger.

Remember what we are taught in the Course; “No one who truly seeks the peace of God can fail to find it.” Lesson 185.11:1 - When you give your mind an intention, that intention will be the result. To exercise your decision making ability is what will get you out of the ego’s madness. It all begins with you and your decision!

We are equal.

Through the ego’s eyes, a parent/child relationship introduces a level of hierarchy. Yes, it is true that for a considerable amount of time a parent knows many things a child doesn’t, and the child must learn from their parent/caregiver. Yet, for some parents the belief in hierarchy can lead them to abusing their power or even feeling superior to their child even long after their child has grown into a fully functioning adult.

A child is equal to their parent because all of God’s Children are equal to each other. We may take on roles of being parents, teachers and authority figures of many kinds in this world, but we are all equal to each other. We are taught in the Course that it is only through recognizing our equality that we can truly love another. Here we can practice seeing beyond the ego’s façade of differences to the inherent Oneness which we all are. Only from this state of recognition of Oneness can we truly Love another.  

Inequality in my experience has shown up in the form of my emotions being unimportant or less important than others in my family. In fact, it was made clear to me on several occasions that my feelings were an inconvenience. Throughout the PTSD I was asked not to show my emotions while at the same time being asked why I wasn’t coming around more often. It was very confusing. And for someone who was in a hypervigilant state, not getting startled or upset was hard to manage and the addition of this push and pull situation from my family exacerbated things.

One thing became very clear to me - I was equal to each and every one of my family members and was therefore allowed to have my feelings just as they can. I came to accept that their dismissal of my feelings was not going to dictate how I took care of myself. I began standing up for my equality while honouring their equality. To do this empowered me to step out of the victim role.

If others try to diminish you or your experiences, remember Who you truly are. As an innocent and loving Child of God, you are important. Your healing is important and your experiences are important. You are perfectly and inherently equal with everyone, and you deserve to know this is true no matter how others feel or act.

You’re not a bad person for feeling angry.

It is vital to highlight that we are not bad people for feeling angry at times.

I learned in the relationship with my Mom to downplay my emotions simply because my Mom could not manage “big” feelings as her emotional tank was already full. I have held back many tears and emotions so as not to be a “problem” which is not an ideal response for any person. This fawning, fear response on my part had to change so I could be emotionally healthy.

In toxic relationships, you may feel an all-consuming frustration as battling the ego with the ego is just plain chaos! And beneath frustration is an intense rage which needs to be brought to the light. But, you can’t bring it to the light if you keep trying to turn away from angry feelings.

I have definitely held the perception before that anger was ugly. I didn’t like conflict and I purposely would not date a guy who would actively seek fights with other guys as I found that behaviour to be very unappealing. Yet, I still ended up in an emotionally abusive romantic relationship when I was in my early twenties as well as the emotional abuse in my relationship with my Mom.

And guess what?! By going through all of that, I saw the anger within myself.

Jesus teaches us in His Course that beneath the tiniest twinge of irritation lies an intense rage. The rage which I’ve felt, especially over the last few years, has been very uncomfortable. But, I see how desperately I had to look at this anger within myself. It is important to look at the anger, as ugly as you think it is or as shameful as you may feel, so it can be brought up for correction and ultimately healing. And if you choose not to look at the anger it doesn’t disappear, it remains within you only to resurface. So, I had to ask myself if that is how I wanted to continue to live, with immense frustration and intense anger stirring within.

The answer was obviously that no, I couldn’t continue to live like that. For as nice as I always tried to be, the anger still bubbled beneath and needed to be healed. So, first recognize that the arousal of anger is showing you something is askew in your perception and requires your attention. And secondly, recognize that the anger was already in your mind and that is exactly where it needs to be corrected.

Feeling angry is not bad. A loving reframe from the Course is that the arousal of discomfort is to bring to our awareness the need for correction. Anger, like all forms of discomfort, is a red flag you’ve got some corrective work to do. No more, no less. Of course we also want to be careful not to project our anger onto others.

A positive outcome from healing the relationship with my Mom, and also from going through PTSD, was that I became comfortable feeling ALL of my feelings without shame. As you commit to Right-Mindedness, you begin to accept that things are coming up for your healing and so you begin to accept discomfort as it arises instead of denying it or attempting to repress it.

I’m prepared to be a “disappointment” to others if it means I have to take care of myself.

I will conclude with this powerful learning; I’m more than prepared to be seen as a disappointment from others if it means I have to take care of myself. Remember this, you are the only one who will be able to care for you! As you are fundamentally love itself, you are fully entitled to turn the spotlight of love towards yourself.

Keep in mind that other people will set expectations for you on your healing journey, and in your life in general. You may know of some of these expectations, and other expectations the other person may just assume you know. Here is a reality check though; you will not be able to honour your own needs and meet other people’s expectations at the same time.

Remember the ego’s first “law” of chaos in the Course which is that the truth is different for everyone. What others assume to be true or right (expectation), may very well NOT line up with what you feel is true or right. And so, you will disappoint others – and that’s perfectly okay! In fact, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m happy when I’ve disappointed someone else because my not meeting their expectation means I’ve followed my own intuition (how the Holy Spirit speaks to us) and followed what feels best for me.

You can take comfort in the fact that when you ask the Holy Spirit to be in charge of your day, you will be in alignment with love and therefore do loving things. Again, people may not interpret things this way but that doesn’t mean you are being unloving. We all have to get to the point where it is okay that we say “no” at times.

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I truly hope this blog post about what I’ve learned taking space from a toxic relationship and experiencing healing of that relationship, is helpful for you. Challenging relationships vary in intensity and so please be sure to keep your physical person, your emotional needs, and your mental health, safe. In A Course in Miracles, you are NOT asked to put yourself in jeopardy in any way, you are only asked to forgive your belief and investment in the ego when you feel ready to do so! However long it takes you to get to that point of forgiveness is up to you and differs with each person. If you reach out to your loving Higher Self, the Holy Spirit, you will be perfectly guided every step of the way. Yes, you will feel challenged at times, but you can still be guided, and you will always be supported by the One Who loves you.

Remember, relationships are a mirror to ourselves. Pay attention to your reactions and what you are reacting to, and you will begin to see the ego beliefs you are holding onto and which need to be corrected and healed. Also, note that other people are not our enemies, they are showing us what we need to heal and without them we would be blind. Moving forward, you can use your challenges as opportunities to heal instead of reasons to bring yourself down. As a Child of God, you are so much more than toxicity and conflict.

Lots of Love,

Fiona